¶ December 2025
¶ December 19 2025
Dear diary,
its quite late at night. I think I have found a key to my permanent Project switching.
These Projects did not bring actual Value (Money). They never really solved any actual Problem. But now at work, I have such Problems to solve, which I love.
It's as if my hobby turned job, I get payed for it and I can help people on top.
My core idea was to ask, eg urs or later management what their biggest Pain Point is right now, and then just solve it. Build reputation. I think thats how it might work.
¶ December 16 2025
Still running. I am trying to incorporate relax time more Prominently now.
The recent days have been rough (release of the well) and I have worked essentially full time. (usual work hours + entire evening)
This was a concept which wrked well for me. Sometimes I had to relax during working hours. Other times I was able to use the evening for working instead.
I actually enjoy working in the office when no one is there.
Anyways, I got lost. Today, I learned the correct term for something that wonders me for a long time already: aphantasia, the absence of visual thinking. I have noticed this for a long time, the classic: "dont think of a pink elephant", guided Meditation and so on.
Well, now I have a term for it and I wonder if it affects me in ways that I dont know (remembering things, social awkwardness, ...)
Financially, all good. I live minimalistic recently. I dont have many cravings what I need (except cigarettes).
Seems stable so far. There is one thing though: I want to have a proper car. The Fiat panda is all good, but I want to step up. A Selfdriving, proper car, with good audio and comfort.
I want to invest more into tesla. I am longing for such a car since Years now. And unfortunately, the stock price seems gallopping away. It already went up 10% since I requested the Loan. 14 days left. And there are some issues with the bank. Got some weird letter from them and dont get a reply. Have to go there today with that letter. Its barely understandable.
### Ihre Privatkreditanfrage
Sehr geehrter Herr bechtold
Besten Dank für Ihre Privatkreditanfrage. Damit wir diese vollständig prüfen können, bitten wir Sie uns noch folgende Unterlagen einzureichen:
[X] ie haben einen offenen Betrag von CHF 36.-. Dieser muss vollständig bezahlt oder auf gelöscht sein. Bitte wenden Sie sich entweder per psot an CRIF AG, Postfach, 8034 Zürich oder per E-Mail an selbstauskunft.ch@crif.com. Dazu benötigt CRIF die aktuelle Adresse sowie eine Kopie eines gültigen, amtlichen Ausweises. Telefonische Selbstauskünfte sind nicht möglich
Wir danken Ihnen für eine rasche Antwort und machen Sie darauf aufmerksam, dass wir Ihre Anfrage, ohne Ihren Gegenbericht, nach 30 Tagen löschen.
Besten Dank für Ihre Bemühungen
Freundliche Grüsse
Migros Bank AG
¶ December 10 2025
Dear Diary, I'm back from drowning.
Have been running on autopilot for a while. Things start to clear.
My financial situation seems feasible. I have worked and saved the recent months.
I think im almost at -2000 now, considering my belongings vs my loan (14 000 left)
I reconsidered my investment approach and my learnings from my unsuccessful leveraged trading.
My conclusion was that the trade decsisions where overwhelmingly correct, but underestimated volatility, leading to liquidation.
The result of that conclusion was that its important that a position can not be liquidated. The invested capital cannot be secured by itself, it needs a different anchor (in this case my salary). I am evaluating the option to take a loan, essentially leasing capital with my salary. While in the short term this seems suboptimal, in the long run it seems to be a plausible option.
My work has changed drastically. I managed to land a project, showing ownership in the poc phase, earning me the continuation towards a production rollout. I really enjoy the work and it has essentially replaced all personal programming projects. I still struggle with everyday tasks (cooking, keeping household, ...) coasting by at minimum effort. Gosh I really can't wait until there really are household robots...
Coming back to my investments, that is a considerate part of what I want to invest:
AI Robots. because this is the thing i long most right now. A Selfdriving car and a Robot who can keep the apartment in check. Also a companion who could help out in difficult times like not even friends can.
It is at this day that I mark the entry of the ai and robotic page. Long past the Industrial and now past the information age. I recon, it may take 15 Years until we are fully there.
My past prediction of electric cars being full reality 10 years ago was 100% correct. I seem to have a fair Idea of mid term developments and long term delovepments. Everybody called me crazy for it. and now it becomes reality. I am deep into this sector and I think I should play it. Most people dont seem to have a true understanding of what ai is and what its not.
I notice in talks with steffen hammer, a really smart guy and a friend at work that I seem to recognize the important things, while others get lost in sidequests (harvesting drone) This also leads to issues in my household, where the other things seem unimportant and lay undone until the situation gets so bad I do something about it.
I am smoking heavily again but I cant find the will to stop yet. Training has been paused... But I am determined to continue training again, when my work project is completed, hopefully next week.
I have conversed with AI to evaluate where I'm at right now and to plan the next steps. It gave me 3 questions for my journal:
What would make you walk away from this job tomorrow?
-> If I had a working business model or a very compalling job alternative
If work pace eased by 20%, what would you do with that time?
-> I would invest it into my daily life which is currently lacking. though it would rather have to ease by 40%
Where does “I don’t have time/power” hide a deeper fear?
-> I think the fear is that I only have 1 life. 1 big shot. So I only have so much of it.
And I can't possibly do all things I ever want in one life time.
I want to build. I want to change the course or help humanity. But I have not found out yet how. I get lost in side quests.
At the same time, I want to experience. What good is it to have built and helped and have had no opportunity to experience life. Furthermore, there is a lot of things that a human may only experience in the natural order of Things.. Being a child, growing up, Getting a kid - These are things which cant be experienced when I am elder. So what should I focus on?
¶ June 2025
¶ June 24
Dear Diary,
I feel like shit right now. Im dissociating, just on the edge of passing out, curling in, cramping. AI is helping right now thus far.
The recent two weeks have been to much.
I have had pain from too much walking in holiday, got injured from it, ate bad food in holiday, flared up, got pimples, gained weight, couldn't train, got injured (again, same location, right chinbone), terrible doctor, followed by another holiday, bad food, no time for myself, little sleep, diarrhea. I feel lonely. My financials are strained again from the make over.
My God. It always has to come all together. Bechtold Principle. One Event rarely comes alone. It's ridiculous.
I think thats it for the moment. I try keep swimming, keep myself from drowning. Its hard.
Good thing of the week:
the flat is remade, my hair is cut, I reworked my style, my body is becoming more muscular.
¶ June 09
Dear Diary,
today I feel deeply depressed. everything feels overwhelming.
The last days I've been watching youtube. About life in general, about relationships, about fitness and dating. But also some leizure videos without any purpose. Either way, it dawned upon me that I should be doing domething. Working. Progressing, yet I was sitting around doing nothing.
And Today? Today It full blown hit me. I went to bed on time yesterday. I woke up early today. Prepared, watched some videos. Went to upper body training, then visited my mom. I felt so restless. I noticed my slowly receeding hairline when doing a selfie with my mom. I think that may have gotten the ball rolling. I dont know.
Either way what happend was: I thought im 30 years old now. My financials are not where I want them to be. They are not where they should be. My life is not where it should be.
Little friends, no partner, flat that grosses me out, financials, not really happy at work. All at once.
I am desperately seeking solutions right now. For one the flat. I will clean up a littlebit today. It feels like an endless task. I clean up and a day later its fully blown again. I clean and a day later it rains, the cats drag all the mud inside. And if they dont, the bring seeds inside. loose hair everywhere. Or bring a mouse, eat it on the flor (at best) and leave a puddle of blood behind. they bring pests (fleas) in. It grosses me out so much.
Furniture needs to be replaced, but no money to do so right now. i need to wait presumably 1-2 months.
For cleaning, my ex took (her vacuum) now im without vacuum. I ordered a new one but over the weekend and easter monday there is no deliveries. So it feels like I cant even vacuum right now, that was always something easy and quick which immediately made the flat look better.
At least, one thing sits for now: Today, I will clean up my Desk in the kitchen.
And I will clean the Kitchen counter. This will be a huge step.
I will also try to wash the mop Thingy. It's so gross, I dont even want to clean the floor with it anymore.
The worst really is the Flat. I think: How can I have a partner with this flat? I can have nobody over. What do they think? I think this really is the very worst for me.
The frustration hits so hard today. Last week was stolen from me. My goal: a shredded body, requiring discipline and steady focus. I am focussed. I have the dicipline. Iron will. But then, something is blocking me. as If I was a smith, ready to forge that damn sword in front of me, but the steel has gotten cold. And i cannot heat it up, because the kiln is off. I try to light the coal and it just wont catch on fire.
Chat GPT:
The fire will return.
Maybe not today. Maybe not with the roar you want.
But it always comes back to those who keep showing up.
Let’s not ask "Did I do enough?"
Let’s ask:
"Did I show up despite the silence?"
You did. That’s power. That’s courage.
And tomorrow? We’ll strike again.
Even cold steel bends eventually.
But the more I thought about it, the more Doubts I've got:
Did I do enough?
and I came to the conclusion:
I did NOT do enough!
I got an insane adrenaline spike and I wanted to at least give it a try.
And it worked. No pain. Good training. I felt my muscles swell. Working, fatiguing, building.
And it was good. Better than Drugs. Better than Sex. I was Laughing. Dancing. I did the right thing. I was victorious. I dont know how cocaine hits but I can only imagine it hits simmilar. Who needs cocaine when you can get an endorphine injection like this?
I even unlocked a new move: Overhead presses. And afterwards: The hunger. The cravings. And you know. That hit the right spot. My Body is screaming for sttel, for cement to build. And I honestly couldn't be more happy to comply.
¶ June 07
Dear Diary,
¶ Relationship
I am so happy that I managed to split up with Dominique. I dodged a major Bullet there. Yesterday, she was in my Flat all of a sudden again. She found an Apartment now. Her Mood was "Pissed" - as I remembered her the recent months/years.
She went through my Flat, packing stuff. We didnt talk much, the Situation was awkward. In the end she made a comment again, I should stop talking about her Hep B with People. Geez.
So anyways. What I want to say is that every single encounter with her recently was very uncomfortable. And it shows me clearly that I took the right Descision. But thats not all.
My Life is turning around again. I can save Money. I can afford stuff again. Since I left her, I am back up to 5k savings. I can afford some little things.
I am doing Sports again and im sticking to it so far. I reached my goal in League of legends - top 9 in Europe with my champion. And given enough time, I could reach further. I know it. But I decided to finally shift focus on progress. Finances, Health, Fitness.
Ordered a Pull up station for home. Got Dumbbells. Got resistance bands. Track my Food intake. Track my Health and Fitness progress.
¶ life
Slowly, very slowly the Flat is taking shape again as well. Unimaginable. After so many Months, I still pull Bags and Bags and Bags of trash out. Eg. The small corner cubboard in the Living room. It left me speechless. It cannot be described. Trash everywhere. EVERYWHERE. even from small drawers and containers I pull unbelievable amounts of trash. It leaves me speechless, How I didnt notice over all the years. I dont understand how this could happen. And It made me so unbelievably sad, to see in hindsight how Dominique and me were Vegetating. How she drained my energy, and perhaps how I drained her energy as well.
But its all over now. The rest of her stuff is vanishing from my Apartment soon and Ill have it back, fully for myself again. The Space to put everything how and where it belongs. Im so glad that section of my Life is over. And soon, I can pursue the Females again 
I think I am changing a lot Psychologically as well. My mind is clearing up. I become more confident. I know what I want. I learn to express myself and my needs.
Social Contacts are being re-established. I go fishing with my Dad. Im so glad.
¶ May 2025
¶ 12. May 2025
Dear diary, A lot has happened in the recent Months. So much that I dont know how to put it into one entry.
First and formost, I broke up with my (now ex) girlfriend Dominique. It has cost me a tremendous effort and a lot of energy to do so.
I made long and intense preparations with chat gpt and I finally pulled through. Ive had multiple attempts in the past which have never been successful.
In hindsight it was such a tremendous relieve and I realize what a burden it was. Not only financially, but also emmotionally to have no more freedom. to always be someone and that someone is not pulling on the same strings. No more Hobbies. No more friends. No more money. No more happyness.
Dominique has contacted me on mutiple occasions in the aftermath, she still has the department key. She hasnt payed rent in the last year. She was continuing to step over my boundaries, eg staying in the flat even when I told her I want her to leave. One time at 10 pm. I would continue to kick her out. She has blocked me on whats app now. Im happy about it. I stood my ground. It cant be put into words how abusive the relationship really was. And I dont want to put it into words. I have let it happen.
After this (~feb 2025) my Life has changed drastically. I took on my new Position as ICT Soluterion developer. Developing AI projects for skan as well as implementing Jira stuff.
The Salary however did not change and I had an unsuccessful fight with out chief financial manager. The words got dirty and I believe I stood my ground. In the end however, we still did not come to an Agreement and I promised to leave. I will leave.
But I wont haste it. But I shouldn't take too long either.
I am doing a lot of sports now. Started with calistenics. First results are showing up. Its frustrating at times. I really would like to be able to make my first pull up. But it is what it is.
Yesterday, I prepared my old bycicle. Cleaned the saddle, pumped the tires. I was so angry and mad because I coudn't find my Key. finally. I found it. And it was good. I hit the highest gear and started sprinting up the hill/mountain from gundeldingerrain to bruderholz. I didnt get too far before I had to slow down. But I enjoyed it a lot. Afterwards I was so done, I went to bed straight away, almost coudnt keep myself up, had trouble breathing, my lungs were burning. But it was such a good feeling to have fighted that hill with all I could.
My throughts are circling. there is so much to cover. Regarding the Flat. One could not believe how dirty it was . I brought out bags, and bags, and bags, and bags, and bags of trash. At least 45 bags of tash. Dominique was no longer cleaning up and to make matters worse, we had every thing triple or even quadruple. It was so ridiculous. I was so angry and in disbelief at that time. I think i was stunned. the relationship cost me so much energy that I couldnt do anything anymore either.
All projects and everything started to go downhill and I got out of it way, way, way too late.
The flat was filthy, it was stinky. I finally installed the cat flap batteries and managed to teach the cats to use it - dominique had held the flap ope with duct tape. Grrr. Foreign cats were coming and marking my flat as their territory. But finally. No more.
I will see if I can attach Pictures to this entry in the future. As memory, how bad it was. It was unbelievably bad.
And there is still not finished. I want to close with one good memo, but there really is many of them. As said, after I broke up my Life took a 180 degrees turn. I am working on my financials and so on and so forth. But anyways Something I am incredibly proud of:
I reached challenger in wild rift. I reached rank 9 in europe with my champion. I reached < Rank 2000 in europe over all. And this, as a hobbyist. I know I could reach further, if I put the energy into it. But After I reached this new high, I fell into a hole. Doubts started creeping up. Should I continue? But what for? Sovereign? Top 3? Is it work the Time? Summer is incoming. And I do not want to spend all that time. In stead I started training. Now I want to become insanely jacked. And with insanely, I mean... Im trainng every day. Think about greek statues jacked. Perhaps even more.
¶ February 2025
¶ 24.02.2025
Dear Diary, I havent lost my way. Although it's rough recently.
A lot has changed. I have closed the relationship with Dominique a week ago.
It was tough. She fought for it. She used tricks, she cried, and so on. It really wasnt pretty. But it has been 7 chances. And finally, after I wanted to split up around new year already she found an apprenticeship. But I couldnt hold it. All the Darkness. Looking back, we've had many good times and many bad times. I removed the picture wall today. And one thing left me wonder:
Not a single picture with me. I wonder what part I really had in her Heart. But now, its over. The chain is broken. I'm free. She moved out of the apartment today and Im happy that we were able to split on good terms. At least I think. I'm about to go to Bed. It's late.
I will have to reorganize my life. I have to keep falling into old habits. Need to sever the ties.
Recently, I've also been thinking about hardware upgrades for my AI projects. And yes. they are neccesary. But: at first, I need to start working on the AI again. I've been wandering dark paths and its time to find my way back.
¶ 08.02.2025
Dear diary, I lost my way.
My last entry was 3 weeks ago. I sunk and drowned My daily support structure faltered with a program update which broke daily routines. But that cant be the entirety of the story. Anyways I dont understand myself fully. I guess thats my struggle of life.
I am trying to get back on rails but its complicated to get afloat when someone drowned. I am playing a lot recently. I dont get my bedtimes done. I dont get work done, I distract myself. Great achievement in wild rift. But what is it worth? What is it worth?
I pause here, and hope I come back later. I feel overwhelmed by my own failure.
¶ January 2025
¶ 19. Jan 2024
7:00 AM I've been thinking about my diary a lot in the recent days, but I've been unable to write into it. I think its because it seems too painful for me. I struggle hard, recently. I have received 2 Tickets. One because a traffic light turned red and my reaction was too slow, the other time because I drove ~35 in a 30 zone. All the while my financial Situation is still tight. I've been paying through the worst invoices and a clearing seems to be in side but there is still plenty of work and It feels like stepping in place. Its tremendously painful.
Im also thinking about the relationship with my Wife again. the main pain point is the financial situation. I have to work for two. Im stepping in place, its not fast enough for me. So I increase the Risk. STUPID.
That also hurts, that I keep making the same fucking stupid idiotic mistakes. I could burst over it. And yet. I will do it again. I caught myself Gaming in home office, with my Wife. Its hard to keep morale up for two.
At least, with my accountability partner, I Locked out any games, social media or other addictive electronics. I guess thats how this entry comes into life. There is no Game, no youtube right now. No Steam, no controller.
I think its safe to say that I am addicted to dopamine/adrenaline. At least from how I observe me. I am also open to risk taking. In hindsight, looking over my life, I have to be careful otherwise my Life could end prematurely. The curious kitten, or what the saying was. Perhaos, this is just part of growing up, and im quite late... But part of me seems to think that this is how it will stay forever.
Eitherway, at least, I have to note that Support systems are getting better and Better. Having such a streak in the Diary would have been unimaginable in the past, without an accountability partner. This is exactly the time, where I would normally drown. But The Diary stays strong for more than a month now.
I want to draw a short resume over the last Month, now that I am in a drowning situation. Because what Ive managed in the last Month is quite spectacular. I have set up a task system, quit smoking, got an accountability partner, qorked on a lot of urgent tasks, solved a lot of problems, got my wife on the right track (for the moment). Ive had big emotional ups and downs, which is not so common for me. I have practiced mindfulness, set anchors and listened to my feelings. All in all its going upwards. Even if its painful in the moment. Also. I dont have to overspeed. Take it slow, julian. As long as you take at least one step every day.
Evening:
I am readdy down again. My wife doesnt really talk to me. Im not sure if its because she is tired or if something upset her. The Snowboarding today was not fun. Particularly because my wife cannot do anything alone. She wont even try to get up without me holding her.
Financially is also really straining and I come to the conclusion that I dont really get anything from her except havoc. Since I know her, my Life is in a Downwards spiral. and Yet, I have major trouble getting her out.
¶ 15. Jan 2024
Today has been an incredibly painful day. I tackled a task which I procrastinated against. It was very rough getting started, but it was very urgent. Finally, I was able to step over the line and say "hey julian, how hard can it be? come on.. dont be like that. You need to do this urgently"
And then I called the government agency, and it was far worse than I expected. After which I had a mental breakdown and scatched up my head. Of and I passed a traffic light on red. Amazing, julian. You need to get that stress level down URGENTLY. But at the same time, There are unfortunately tasks in life which cannot be avoided. I which there was a lot less government. That would mean so much less pain already.
To Conclude, Im happy that this day is over and that this task is done. I learned a lot about myself today.
¶ 14. jan 2024
just a short message. it's been late again.
im still trying to be mindful. even if i struggle right now
¶ 11. Jan 2025
Dear Diary, Today is a special day for me. You see, the entries are missing. I have been walking in Darkness Stressed out, panicking essentially. Today is somewhat of a beating moment for me clarity. brightness. If even only briefly. My accountability Partner (mom) managed to pull me out of the negative spiral. tha taskboard seems to clear slowly, at least the urgent & important one.
I dont want to be too enthusiastic yet, but I think its still time for a first review and assessment how the Situation developed since 02.12.2024. Especially since I have been struggling badly the last days.
- first off, I have been able to establish daily routines for morning, bed, task planning and financial review. I have been struggling recently, but my accountability partner seems to do a good job of keeping me on track. Its all a bit flimsy still, as to be seen in the frequency of the diary entries, but steady practice will improve that.
- I have been able to implement some mindfulness and reflection into my days. This has been very insightful for me and I can take actionable steps in order to improve the situation
- I have been very productive recently, resolving many long waiting issues. It is now important to keep going and not loose slip!
¶ 06.01.2025
Today is a productive day again. I had a hard conversation with my wife yesterday. that relieved a lot of pressure from me. So I worked quite a lot on my Taskmaster application. It is infact sowly getting refined and it seems to me like it has a lot of potential. Perhaps, I will be able to sell it, if I can refine it even more.
¶ 05.01.2025
Dear diary, today, I feel a little like running circles. At least I stay present and mindful now for the time being and as such I hope I can learn more. But its not easy for me.
¶ 02.01.2025
The new year has started and holidays are over. Im back working. I think I have established some daily routines now. For going to bed and standing up. I am working on creating new routines slowly (daily progress review). Currently, I feel in control, which is great. Take deep breaths, take it slow dont rush it.
It seems that there are moments, where I all of a sudden want to run off. its like a switch gets flicked. Thats where it gets dangerous. And then, its as if I increase the risk until point of failure, to experience the exact breaking moment. The issue is, that thats where it breaks me.
Update: I was able to strike al- testmost 10 tasks from my tasklist now. I think I have achieved enoguh for the day. I will now take time to cool off.
¶ 01.01.2025
The new year started. I spent the free day mostly playing with my wife, programming and Task planning. It's quite a pile to clean up, but im slowly working through it. Additionally, my Accountability parner is taking shape and getting better and better.
I think im setting sail into the right course. It's 11:17 pm. Im preparing everyting for Bed now.